The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
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"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one." — LA Review of Books
From iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
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Esther Perel. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
Chicago / Turabian - Author Date Citation (style guide)Esther Perel. 2017. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
Chicago / Turabian - Humanities Citation (style guide)Esther Perel, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins, 2017.
MLA Citation (style guide)Esther Perel. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins, 2017.
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Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today's most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages. Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How's Work? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.
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"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one." — LA Review of Books
From iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
- reviews
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- source: NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads
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"[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that's deeply humane and never preachy." — NPR's Guide to 2017's Greatest Reads
"The State of Affairs takes a fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one." — LA Review of Books
"[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion... If your marriage were in trouble, you'd want her help." — Guardian (UK)
"As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves." — Shondaland
"She doesn't peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she's too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage." — The New York Times
"Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships." — The Cut, New York Magazine
"Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis 'first responder,' excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the 'new shame' of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray." — O Magazine, 10 Books To Pick Up Now
"In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery." — Esquire
"Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world's foremost authority on infidelity." — GQ, UK
"Esther Perel is America's first clear-eyed public intellectual on love." — Quartz
"Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world's leading expert on marriage." — Sunday Times Style by The Times of London
"The State of Affairs examines infidelity from all points of view – the person who cheated, the person who was cheated on, and the third party – in an attempt to understand how to make modern relationships more resilient." — Washington Post
"Perel is a master at what she does." — The New Yorker on podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
"Ms. Perel doesn't recommend that couples be unfaithful—far from it. But she thinks that affairs can happen in stable, happy marriages, and that they often have more to do with a person than a relationship." — Wall Street Journal
"Perel suggests that one factor driving infidelity in otherwise happy marriages is the fact that we rely on our spouse for too much, particularly too much in our own quest for self-discovery." — New York Post
"The Book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems... A thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples...
- premium: True
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July 17, 2017
Longtime couples therapist Perel follows 2006’s Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence with another provocative study of relationships. This time around she puts forth the controversial view that infidelity is ultimately beneficial to relationships, and she successfully explores the ways that affairs force partners to closely examine their attitudes about love, commitment, and sex. Make no mistake: Perel does not advocate infidelity. She dismisses the oft-used excuse that adultery is due to sex addiction and argues that emotional cheating is still cheating (“When it’s no longer an exchange of kisses but an exchange of dick pics... when the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we to know what constitutes an affair?”). She sensibly makes the case that if the damage has already been done, it’s imperative that the experience provide a way forward—whether that is to stay married or to split up. She bolsters her arguments with real-life examples from both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity.
- premium: True
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August 15, 2017
A veteran therapist's approach to thinking about extramarital affairs."Affairs have a lot to teach us about relationships--what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to," writes Perel (Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, 2006, etc.). "They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment." Using research and personal stories from her 30 years as a couples' therapist, the author dives into the world of affairs: why men and women engage in them, what many consider "innocent" behavior versus flat-out wrongdoing, the rage, jealousy, guilt, and host of other emotions that flair up once an affair is discovered, and the full recovery process, which determines whether a couple will remain together or split up. Perel examines each affair with an open attitude, trying to get to the root of why it happened and how each person involved can view the same scenario in a different light. She discusses the stigmas surrounding the words "affair" and "divorce," how the healing process has to steer away from blame and toward understanding, and how access to social media and pornography have made it far easier for people to cheat on their loved ones, sometimes while in the same room. The real-life examples and quotes from people who are working through the aftermath of a discovered affair offer insights into the sadness, betrayal, innocence, resentment, love, and denial that are part of this complex package. Perel's advice to these couples will resonate with anyone going through a similar situation, providing comfort and guidance without the need for an actual therapy session. Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples' therapist.COPYRIGHT(2017) Kirkus Reviews, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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October 1, 2017
Much of the literature on infidelity instructs readers how to repair the destruction of an affair or "affair proof" their marriage. Frank Pittman's seminal Private Lies diverged from "how-to" guide into deep study, and so does this book. Here, Perel (Mating in Captivity) looks at motives and meanings. Why do spouses cheat on one another? What values or interpersonal dynamics impact how an affair is revealed, and how does keeping or revealing secrets liberate or imprison? How does grief manifest among the betrayed, betrayer, and the lover? Most controversially, while never condoning infidelity, Perel argues that affairs can transform, and that people can aim for understanding without passing immediate judgment. Perel claims that discussing infidelity and outside sexual desires heightens intimacy and strengthens the couple's bond, making infidelity actually less likely. If we acknowledge the attraction of the forbidden and not see love as a constant, concludes Perel, we can successfully invigorate our relationships with honest communication and alluring components (passion, eroticism, unbroken attention). VERDICT Recommended for couples, therapists, religious leaders, and anyone else interested in a deep look at the meanings, devastations, and potential growth avenues from infidelity.--Jennifer M. Schlau, Elgin Community Coll., IL
Copyright 2017 Library Journal, LLC Used with permission.
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"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one." — LA Review of Books
From iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of...
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